"It's Not Fair!" How to Help Your Child Deal with Sports Setbacks

The slump of his shoulders as he climbed into the car was a gut punch. Bad news. I grasped at the pieces I'd overheard, whispers from the stands that hadn't reached his ears yet. I was secretly hoping it was just a rumor.

I knew the moment he understood, the same sickening drop would twist his stomach as it had mine. We wear our children's dreams, you see. Dramatic? Maybe. But their losses carve canyons in our hearts too.

Thankfully, I was one step ahead of him. Time to fortify myself, gather the words. The conversation began...

Him: Mom, they're going to nationals...

Me: I had a feeling something like this might happen. Sorry bud.

Him: Mom I work so hard every day. I wake up early, I stay late, I run in the rain whenever. Why?

Me: I know bud. This must hurt so bad. I get it.

Him: When we didn't make nationals a few weeks ago I was disappointed but I got over it. I didn't know this option was even a possibility!

Me: I know. I didn't either (and I didn't).

Him: I didn't get a chance to even run the mile and get a chance to prove I could be one of the 4! Its so not fair! I was focusing on the 800! I haven't run the mile since December!

His eyes welled up, the news hitting him hard. It was a surprise, something he hadn't prepared for. There wasn't anyone to blame, just the way things shook out sometimes.

Him: I don't know why I bother. Maybe I'm not that good. I don't want to be mediocre! And they were talking about it in front of me! Like I wasn't even there.

Me: Oh man that is hard to hear. Keep working bud, you will get there. Keep showing up and working it, it will pay off I know it.

Him: I just can't believe it. I am so upset.

Every instinct screamed to fix it. Text the coach, talk to the other parents, anything to make it better. But logic held me back. It wouldn't change things. My heart ached for him, especially seeing him interact with the team. We parents feel our kids' pain so deeply, and all you want is to take it away. But sometimes, the best course is to just be there for them as they work through it themselves.

Me: Is there anything I can do? I really do get it bud. I truly do. And I would feel the same way you feel if it was me. But these things are going to happen. It doesn't define you as a runner. or a person.You have a lot of time left to work hard and improve. Let this make you even more hungry for next time. I love you no matter what and I am SO proud of you.

Him: Thanks mom. I know you're right but I am still so mad and frustrated.

Me: I get that. And you are allowed to feel that way. You have every right to be bummed.

My heart broke for him. I had never seen him that upset. But the next morning he was better.

Me: How you feeling bud?

Him: Much better mom. It's ok, really. I'm bummed but it'll be alright.

Me: I am so proud of you. Your time will come, and it'll be even sweeter now :)

Him: Thanks mom. I know it will. I'm gonna keep working hard.

The moment they climb in the car, the air hangs heavy. This is your chance to connect. Here are some tips to navigate these situations:

1.    Breathe and listen. Take a deep breath and truly listen without judgment. Let them know you're there.

2.    Avoid taking sides. It's their experience, their feelings. Validate them.

3.    Skip the blame game. Focus on what they can control, their effort and attitude.

4.    Support and hold them accountable. Let them know you're there for them, but also encourage them to find healthy ways to move forward.

5.    Be their rock. Kindness, love, and patience are the cornerstones of support.

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Empowering strong athletes,

Coach Leah