12 Things They Don't Tell You About Being a Rec Coach

Does your child want to play on the rec team? Yes? Are you sure

Congratulations, now you’re the coach. Resist all you want. This. Is. Happening.

When you politely explain that you work full time, have three kids, deliver meals to senior citizens one day a week, have a severe grass allergy and have never played soccer before, they will swear to you that it’s really no big deal and that you are definitely more qualified than all the other parents, who, you will learn later, all said no. All you have to do, they’ll say, is reach out to welcome your players, choose days/times to hold practices (if you want to hold them), give everyone the game schedule, and show up. Honestly, that’s it.

Except:

1. For the first four weeks of the season, all the kids will look alike.

2. Three players will have the same first name.

3. Half the parents don't care about the organization’s commitment to letting every kid play at least half of every game, and will text you 1) during the game, 2) on your way home, and/or 3) at work the next day to tell you that your outrageous decision to put Britney/Brittany/Brittnee/Britannie/Ryan A./Ryan R./Rye/Rhys on the field is the reason you lost the game and don’t you think it would be better for all the kids if they won once in a while?

4. Your soccer team includes four kids who can’t always be there because they also play basketball, three who always leave early because they play hockey, two who arrive late because of piano lessons, one who just 100 percent does not want to be there, and on any given game day, a handful who have too much homework, an orthodontist appointment, a trip to Grandma’s, or no way to get to the field.

5. You will quickly regret your idea of letting the kids choose the team name when, at the first game, you have to lead the cheer, “Go Green & Purple Dragon Zombie Doughnut Unicorn Sharks!”

6. Your own child will hate you for being the coach because they never get to play as much as everyone else and always has to haul the equipment from your car to the field and back.

7. The other parents will hate you for always favoring your child and giving them more playing time than everyone else.

8. During a meeting at work your boss will call on you while you are busy sketching that night’s line-up on the back of the employee charitable giving payroll deduction form she gave you when you walked in the room.

9. The first time you lose your cool it will be because a player on your team has physically or mentally wandered off the field in pursuit of a rabbit hopping behind the goal, a grandparent who came with a sandwich bag full of candy for them, an ice cream truck, or a rainbow.

10. The second time you lose your cool it will be at the other team’s coach, who will have either cheated, run up the score, or shown up wearing an adult-sized version of the team’s jersey, with “World’s Best Coach” printed on the back.

11. You’ll have a favorite kid and it will not be your own.

12. At the last game, you’ll find out that you’ve been calling your favorite kid by the wrong name the entire season.  

Karen Scholl is a writer and recovering soccer mom living the dream in a flyover state. Find more soccer-parenting humor in her book Surviving Soccer: A Chill Parent’s Guide to Carpools, Calendars, Coaches, Clubs, and Corner Kicks.