When Sports Becomes Your Child's Identity

When I was in seventh grade, an English teacher gave us an assignment and suggested that I write about the history of basketball. She was a good teacher and a really nice lady. She knew I loved basketball and was trying to help me find a topic I would enjoy.

I remember thinking, even at that age, that there was a lot more to me. I was born in the Philippines. I had lived in Thailand and spoke Thai. I had traveled to places all over the world with my family. Yet somehow the thing this teacher immediately associated with me was basketball. I remember thinking, there's more to me than the fact that I can shoot the ball a little bit.

Kevin had a similar experience much younger. In second grade, his favorite teacher told him she looked forward to watching him play for the Lakers someday. Kevin loved her and is still connected with her today. She knew his dream and was encouraging him. Looking back, Kevin can see how hearing things like that reinforced something he was already beginning to believe about himself. He was a basketball player, and becoming a great basketball player was where he was headed.

Neither of those teachers did anything wrong. In fact, I think that is part of what makes these stories worth thinking about. The people who care about our kids will naturally encourage them when they see something they are good at or something they love. We do the same thing as parents.

When a child spends years playing a sport they love, that sport can become a big part of their life and how other people know them. Over time, it can also become a big part of how they know themselves.

Kevin experienced that when his own playing career ended. He played four years of college basketball and came to the Philippines hoping to continue playing. He got hurt, was newly married and eventually stepped away from the game so he could provide for his family.

Years later, this is how he described it:

"I didn't know at the time that my identity was in basketball until I didn't know who I was."

For about six months, Kevin struggled deeply with his sense of worth and purpose. He tried different jobs and had no idea what he was supposed to do with his life. Talking about that period still brings a lot of emotion for him.

Kevin went 14 years without watching a professional basketball game. Last year was the first time he was able to go and sit down to watch a PBA game again.

My experience was different. When I was 11 years old and living in Thailand, I told my brother that I wanted to be good enough to play Division I basketball at an Ivy League school and then play professionally overseas. That is exactly what happened. I graduated from Cornell, played professionally in the Philippines for ten years and coached professionally for another twelve.

By the time I stepped away from basketball at 46, I had even given talks about the importance of finding your identity outside of your sport. I knew all of this. Leaving was still hard.

Kevin felt there were basketball dreams he had never completed. I had been fortunate enough to live out what I dreamed about as a kid. We both had to figure out who we were when basketball was no longer what we did.

For our kids, these questions can come up long before adulthood. A child being upset after a loss isn't necessarily something to worry about. We want our kids to care about what they are doing, and every child handles disappointment differently.

I would pay more attention when a bad game begins affecting other parts of their life. Kevin gave the example of a kid sitting at home on a Monday night doing homework and saying, "I suck at basketball and I can't even do my homework anymore. What kind of person am I?" At that point, the child is no longer just talking about how he played. He is talking about how he sees himself.

Kevin had an interesting opportunity to address this with his oldest son. His son was going to be named MVP of his league, and Kevin found out about three weeks before his son did.

Kevin and his wife spent those three weeks talking with him about what they had watched throughout the season. They pointed out how hard he had worked and how committed he had been. Three weeks later, he found out he was the MVP.

Being close enough to our kids to notice these things matters. Kevin and I have talked about why we chose the name Parenting Athletes. Parenting is a verb. There is a constancy to it. We need time with our kids when nothing particularly important is happening, along with the conversations when something is. That gives us a better chance of noticing when a bad game is still bothering them two days later or when the way they talk about themselves starts to change.

This was the subject of the final episode of our first season of the Parenting Athletes Podcast because Kevin and I have both lived it. We love basketball. We have spent a huge portion of our lives around the game, and we hope our kids find things they care deeply about and are willing to work at. Kevin reached a high level in basketball. I reached a high level. We have friends who reached much higher levels than either of us did.

Eventually, it all ends.

And when it does, we want our kids to know who they are.