The Sports Life: Your Kid’s Path Is Not Your Do-Over

There’s a part of parenting an athlete no one really talks about: what happens when you want the dream more than they do.

I’ve been there. My oldest was a strong volleyball player; three year varsity starter, club seasons, travel tournaments. We were deep in the recruiting process because, truthfully, I wanted her to play in college. I saw the potential, the path, the doors it could open. I wanted her to experience what I never did. But then COVID hit and she lost the drive. But it really wasn't there to begin with.

Because here’s the thing: I should have been recruited in high school. I was good enough. But I was burnt out, lazy, unmotivated. I didn’t have the support system or the mental toughness yet to push through. It’s still one of my biggest regrets. So when my daughter had the chance, I thought, “She should have what I didn’t.”

But she wasn’t into it. Not in her bones. She loved the game, but not at that level. She wanted balance, a life beyond the sport. She ended up playing club volleyball in college, just for fun, on her terms. And it worked for her. And I'm glad it was her choice.

Now I see it happening again. My son is a high school junior, a standout runner with the talent to compete at the Division I level. There’s a chance he could do it. And that part of me, the part that remembers what I missed, lights up. “What if?” creeps in.

But I know this time it’s not about me. I’m learning the lesson in real time: our kids don’t exist to fix our regrets. Their journey is their own. I can guide, encourage and open doors, but I can’t push them through.

Managing those feelings is really hard for me. Disappointment, pride, nostalgia, envy, hope; it’s all tangled up! The work is not letting it land on their shoulders. They’re already carrying enough.

So if you’re feeling this too, here’s my reminder to you (and to myself): your kid’s path is not your do-over. Their choice to play, or not play, doesn’t erase the memories, lessons, or heartbreaks that shaped you. So as this recruiting season begins, trust them to find what lights them up. And trust yourself to stand beside them, no matter what they choose.

Leah Jantzen is a mental health and performance coach, high school guidance counselor and elite endurance athlete. She’s competed at the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii, and is a multi-time Boston Marathon finisher. Leah is a mom of four kids who play school and club sports and is launching "Still in the Game," a community and podcast for active moms.