Pushing Without Breaking: How to Build Your Athlete’s Grit Without Becoming 'That' Parent

We all know that parent.

The one who’s always making noise on the sidelines.

Their kid never seems to play good enough.

They yell at other players for making mistakes, the ref for bad calls, and sometimes even their own kid for not performing to their standards.

No one wants to be that parent.

But most of us do want our kid to be tough.

We want them to develop resilience, to push through the hard stuff, to have that edge that helps them succeed. Not just in sports, but in life.

As parents, especially those of us who’ve pushed ourselves to the edge in our own athletic careers, it’s hard to watch our kids struggle.

And if I’m honest, it’s even harder not to jump in and “help” them out of it.

I know what it takes to reach big goals. I’ve trained at a level most people would call extreme, qualifying for the Boston Marathon 10 times, and earning the right to stand on the start line in Kona for the Ironman World Championships. I’ve been in the freezing open water at 5 a.m., run long miles in brutal heat, lifted in a freezing garage in January. I’ve chosen to suffer for something I wanted.

So, when I see my kids hit a wall, whether in a game, a race, or practice, I know what’s on the other side if they push through. But here’s the thing—they have to want it for themselves.

Our job isn’t to carry them over the wall.

It’s to help them believe they can climb it.

Here’s how I try to do that:

1. Let Them Struggle
It’s instinct to step in when they’re hurting; physically or emotionally. But resilience is built in the struggle, not in the comfort. If they fail a test, lose a starting spot, or have a rough game, let them feel it. That discomfort is the training ground for mental toughness. I quietly welcome those moments when I see them struggling because I know that’s when the real growth is happening.

2. Ask Before You Advise

Instead of launching into “Here’s what you should do,” I ask:

“Do you want ideas right now, or do you just need me to listen?”

This keeps the conversation about them—not my agenda.

3. Praise Effort Over Outcome
The scoreboard, the stats, the wins—those are fleeting. The work they put in when no one’s watching? That’s forever. I make it a point to notice and acknowledge that.

When my son was running hard in training and putting up great times but it wasn’t translating on race day, I kept telling him, “That effort will pay off. Just be patient.” Because it always does. The race-day breakthrough doesn’t happen without the hundreds of unseen, gritty miles leading up to it.

4. Share Your Stories, Not Your Standards
I tell my kids about my brutal training days; the times I didn’t want to get up, when I failed in races, when I doubted myself. But I don’t expect them to match my level. They don’t need my exact path, they need my example.

When my daughter was deep in the grind of applying to medical school, there was no guarantee the hard work would pay off. It was endless studying, long application cycles and rejection always lurking in the background. I kept telling her: “Show up every day and do the work without obsessing over the outcome. Stay in the fight.” That mindset is the same one I want my athletes to learn.

5. Know When to Back Off
Sometimes they’re not ready for the lesson. Sometimes they need space. That’s not giving up on them, that’s respecting the timing of their own growth.

Raising resilient kids isn’t about pushing them to exhaustion. It’s about giving them the tools, the space and the belief to push themselves.

And here’s the truth I’ve learned; when they finally decide to dig deep, it’s so much sweeter knowing they did it for them, not because I made them.