How Parents Ruin Sports

I was at a wedding last weekend with some long-term friends from other states and the subject of our kids’ sports came up. I mentioned that I have been writing articles for Youth Inc., and they immediately agreed with my thoughts on the current state of youth and high school sports and how parents are ruining it for the kids.

As I have taken on writing these articles, I make sure to reiterate that these are experiences I've personally had or witnessed and that they don’t speak for everyone. And although I do believe these issues are common, I rarely get the chance to confirm that. Hearing friends from two other states confirm that they've had a similar experience was both validating and disappointing. I don’t want this to be the norm and I would prefer that my experiences be outliers, but unfortunately, I don’t think that is the case.

One way parents ruin sports is through their desire to control their kids’ experiences and outcomes. We all love our kids and believe they are great, but we have to find a way to separate ourselves from their outcomes. This is especially apparent when it comes to parents talking to coaches about playing time.

For all the mistakes I made as a sports parent, the one area I specifically made sure to avoid was engaging coaches about my kids’ playing time. As I grew up, my dad stayed out of those interactions and instilled in me that I had the right to respectfully ask my coaches what I needed to do to earn more playing time. His belief was that coaches wanted athletes who weren’t satisfied with being 2^nd or 3^rd string, and that they would never be upset with an athlete who asked respectfully.

And make no mistake, no athlete wanted to be the kid who had to hear about how their dad or mom was the reason they got an opportunity. I made sure that my kids got that same message from me. I wasn’t going to address their playing time with a coach, but they always had the right to respectfully ask what they could do to earn more playing time.

What I've learned is that, over time, parents have become more involved in their kids’ sports trajectories, especially with the proliferation of club sports teams. As parents spend more and more time and money on their kids’ sports, I believe they become more invested in the sport and in their perception of their child's ability based on the club level they play. Club sports are not cheap and there is a lot of time invested in them. When you invest that type of time and money, you also tend to develop relationships with the club directors and coaches. I’m not immune to that. I have developed relationships with club sports coaches, but I have made sure to never engage them on my kids playing time or status on the team. I do believe other parents see the relationships as a way to “help” their kids’ chances. I never wanted that.

My kids would earn whatever they got because I believed the value of sports wasn’t just in playing time, but in the life lessons that came with it. In fact, before each tryout my boys had when they were young, I would remind them that this isn’t rec sports. Not everyone makes the team. I wanted to make sure they understood the reality of what they were signing up for. I knew they wouldn’t fully grasp it until they were older, but I wanted them to know that tryouts meant you could make the A team, B team, or get cut.

The first time my oldest son did not make an A team, I didn’t complain, protest, or tell my kid he got screwed. Quite the opposite. My son had told me that at tryouts he didn’t hit well at the batting station, so when he was frustrated at not making the A team, I gave him a minute and then told him he shouldn’t be surprised. I reminded him that he told me he didn’t hit well, so how could he expect anything else? I explained that it was now his job to go be the best player on the B team and work harder to earn his way back to the A team next year.

With my youngest son, I had the opposite experience because he was always an A team player. As proud as I was of him, I also knew he would have to learn a hard lesson at some point. As a kid who played football, he did not get much time to focus on skating for hockey in the fall, so when he wanted to try out for a house league tournament team, I told him to be prepared to not make the team since other kids playing fall hockey would likely have an advantage.

Truth be told, I was hoping for him not to make it because it was the perfect time for him to learn the lesson. I know that sounds harsh, but he was young enough where it wouldn’t crush him, and because he hadn’t put in as much work, it was easily explained.

He didn’t make the team and was a little upset, but it worked out because he was able to understand that there is a direct correlation between how much work you put in and the rewards that come with it. The best part was that he then understood where his hockey level truly was. He was a really good football player but an OK hockey player. So, when he signed up for travel hockey, he was never higher than a B-player, but he was just happy to play. He never complained about what team he made; he was just happy to play.

This is the type of perspective we need for all parents: know what your kid is and accept it. Once you do that, you can talk to them about what they want. Do they want to be better? If so, then they need to put in the time to get better. If not, then they can be happy playing on the B team and enjoy the games for what they are.

There is nothing wrong with being on the B team. And remember that kids develop at different times, so it is very possible that the B team player makes a leap and becomes an A team player.

To say I was floored when we got to high school sports and saw how brash some parents were when it came to believing they had the right to engage the head coach in these conversations would be an understatement. I was even more surprised that the coaches would entertain those conversations.

I am not blaming the coaches. I want that to be clear. I was just dumbfounded that things had changed so drastically between when I was in high school and when my kids entered high school. These coaches had to deal with these parents who would go to the Athletic Director and demand a coach be fired. Not because they put their hands on a kid or did something unspeakable, but for the heinous act of not coaching the way “the parents” wanted them to.

Parents were now so involved that they believed they had the right to dictate how the coach should do things. That was always odd to me. Full disclosure that I did not agree with every coaching decision that the high school coaches made, but I never engaged them about it. I knew it was not my place because I had been on the sidelines as a coach and knew that sometimes kids made mistakes or didn’t execute.

Things can get toxic in the stands when parents think they know best all the time. Bottom line is we don’t. My experience as a coach can attest to the fact that many times coaches call a play and the kids don’t execute it because kids make mistakes, but parents assume the coaches made a bad call.

Add in the fact that there is a lot more fundraising for high school sports now and parents get involved in the booster clubs. As I became one of the leading parents of the booster club, I made it a point to set a directive that our goal was to focus on off-ice and off-field items like fundraising, uniforms, and apparel so the coaches could keep their focus on on-ice or on-field responsibilities.

When the head coach changed in my oldest son’s junior year, the new coach had an introduction meeting with the parents, and he ended the meeting by saying that any emails or texts he received from parents about on-ice items relating to coaching or playing time would be deleted and not responded to. However, he did say that any player could come to him to ask what they need to do to earn more playing time.

It was eye-opening and it made an impact. While there could have been interactions I am not privy to, I am fairly certain that his message set a tone and changed the parent and coach interactions in the program. While I am proud of that, it is sad that it has to be called out as an outlier.

Parents have gotten very bold and entitled when it comes to their kids’ sports experiences and their belief that they have a right to impact coaching, playing time, and decision making. Kids follow their parents’ lead, and if they see a parent complaining about the coaches or playing time, they will do the same. If one parent in the stands starts complaining about the coaching, others who may not know as much will jump on the bandwagon and repeat the same things.

These are toxic environments that have absolutely ruined kids’ sports. We have to make a promise to do better for our kids and give the experience back to them. More and more kids are getting burned out or losing interest due to parental involvement.

My hope is that these articles will help the up-and-coming sports parents reset their perspective and allow them to give the experience back to their kids.