From Major Loss to Major WIN: How to Help Your Kid Reframe Loss

I just got back from a volleyball tournament in Pennsylvania with my 14 year old son.

"How did it go?" they asked.

Well? We kinda lost every game. Like, every. Single. Game.

For two days...all the games. Like all of them, lol.

Demoralizing? Yes.

Discouraging? Yep, that too.

We all felt so bad for the boys. Yes they were missing two players, and yes, the other teams were huge, but still. Not a single win is rough.

As my son walked off the court after day one of the tournament with his head hanging, body language negative, and overall looking and feeling defeated, I knew I had some work to do.

"We suck mom," he said.

Instead of telling him, "don't worry you guys will win tomorrow," or, "those officials were terrible, they made some bad calls," I decided to stay focused on what we could control and offer him some ways to walk away a "winner" after the tournament.

Here are some tips for helping your kid create some wins in a "losing" situation:

🚀 Normalize losing-I tell kids in sports there is no losers. There are winners and learners. When you take away the focus on losing and zero in on what you can learn, they don't fear LOSING as the ultimate worst thing. My goal is for athletes to see losing as a normal part of the process of getting better. Losing is FEEDBACK and should be viewed as a way to learn.

🚀 Set small, attainable goals. I had my son choose 3 goals for his next day of playing. What could HE control? What would make him walk away feeling confident about the tournament, despite the scoreboard? Let your child choose his own goals, but help him make them as specific as possible. My guy wanted to learn his rotations, get all his serves over the net, and be a better leader and communicator on the court. This way you have something to reflect on with your child after the game.

🚀 Don't focus on what the team DID NOT do. Here is where it is critical for you parents to stay positive. Criticizing the coach, blaming the refs or the lines judge, commenting on the other players on the court and their lack of skill. None of this is productive! AND it takes the ownership off your child, which we do NOT want to do.

Here is the bottom line; your kid KNOWS what he could've done better during the game. They KNOW that they lost and they are bummed about it. They don't need YOU to restate the obvious!

Your challenge is to help them focus on what they can CONTROL moving forward.

👉Ask them questions about what they want to improve upon for next time

👉Encourage them to talk to their coach about how they can make improvements and ultimately win as a team

👉Help them celebrate what they did RIGHT, aiming to build on those wins as a player

Lastly and most importantly, champion their EFFORTS, not their RESULTS.

Examples:

✨I love how you cheered on your teammates when they served

✨ I love how you hustled to try and keep that ball in play

✨ I loved watching you smile and have fun on the court, even though you were losing

During the last game, my son was the last kid to serve as the team was about to lose their 10th and final game. Instead of displaying bad body language and not trying his hardest during his serve, he ran to the serving line with a smile on his face. He was trying to hype up his teammates as the team accumulated a few consecutive points, despite being down more than 10 points in that game.

He didn't give up. He had a spring in his step, a smile on his face and encouraging words for his teammates, even on the precipice of 2 days of losing.

👉This is what I chose to focus on when talking to my son after the tournament. That despite losing ALL the games, and acknowledging how much that sucked (don't forget to do this-they DO hate losing), that I was so proud of his effort. How he chose to end the last game on a positive note. I also focused on the fun he and his teammates had in the hotel in the pool, playing man hunt as a team, and the team dinner the night before. Positive memories were made--we just need to highlight them over the loss.

👏 THIS is what we build on.

👏 THIS is what we celebrate.

👏 THIS is what your kid will remember.

Ok parents, your turn.

How will you approach the next tournament or game with your child?

What positive changes can you make to keep your kid focused on the right things?

Spring is around the corner and that means more tournaments, competitions and meets. Let's be ready to support our kids as they compete this spring.

Cheering for you,

Coach Leah